Table of Contents

Introduction Todd Harra xi

Part I First Calls and Removals 1

1 The Scream 3

2 Lost in Translation 8

3 Patch Out 12

4 The Fly Swatter Saga 15

5 Business Hours 20

6 Grandma Talk-Talk 25

7 A Case of Mistaken Identity 29

8 Ousting the Coroner 35

9 Spare Donuts 41

10 Severe Clear 47

11 Roadblock 51

12 Human Wedge 59

Part II Where Art Meets Science 63

13 The Man Who Cheated Death 65

14 The Unwitting Smuggler 70

15 Men and Makeup 73

16 A Solution for Sagging 78

17 The Glass Eye and Other Expectations 82

18 Tattoo You? 86

19 Ever Seen a Dead Man Move? 89

Part III Family Matters 93

20 Lesson: Never Go to Bed Angry 95

21 Buried in the Nude 100

22 Walk the Walk 104

23 Death Knell of Jefferson and Adams 108

24 The Killer Customer 112

25 The Comedian 116

26 Hearse of a Different Make 120

27 Shot-Putted Urn 123

28 Last Wishes 126

Part IV Wakes, Funerals, and Burials 129

29 My Bar Story 131

30 The Dove 135

31 A Hug, a Hope 138

32 Wake Combat 141

33 Lucky 146

34 Believe in the Butterfly 150

35 Continuum 154

36 The Prodigal Son 156

37 Duel at High Noon 160

38 Wives and Girlfriends 163

39 The World Record Holder 166

40 Third from Right 172

Part V In Our Private Lives 177

41 Feathers and Fridges 179

42 Till Death 184

43 Date Destination: "The Morgue" 189

44 Gobble Gobble 195

45 The Tapestry of Life 199

46 The Gay Man in the Wine Bottle 207

47 The First Date 213

48 Ironic Injustice 216

49 Windsor or Prince Albert? 221

50 Thaleia 224

Acknowledgments 231